My future husband.

I was listening to the song “Jealous” by Nick Jonas a few months ago, don’t judge, I am a pop princess, love pop music, always have, always will but I digress…

As I was saying, I was listening to the song a few months ago and I had this flash in my head, it was so vivid, it felt like a memory, except it hadn’t happened yet. I was in the kitchen, gorgeous open floor plan if you’re wondering and Jameson was a toddler, not quite sure what age and my future husband had a spatula in his hand and he was singing the lyrics of the song to me. Jameson was dancing in the background singing along as well. In this flash I couldn’t see his face, only that he was tall (haha) and he was being a total goofball dancing around our kitchen singing, you could see in his eyes the deep love he had for me. That was it, it didn’t really go much further than that and the vision was over. I don’t know that I’ve ever really had something like that happen. It made me so happy, it wasn’t real, it hadn’t happened and yet it felt like a promise of what’s to come in the future.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who, what, when of my future…I have always wanted to be a wife and a mom. Some people might think that’s stupid but I don’t really care. It’s what I wanted and desired and I think about what’s to come often. I am trying really hard to practice patience, that’s a funny thought. I am attempting to learn to be content in all circumstances, super difficult, however I feel like it is building character in me and for that I am appreciative. I have been praying for my future spouse, that God is building character in him and protecting him and guiding and leading him and drawing him in to a closer relationship with him. It’s a strange thing to be doing that when you are recovering from a marriage that exploded in your face. Very strange. It’s just I look back and think about before I met Michael and I never prayed for him, I never asked God what He wanted in my spouse. I never laid that before His feet and this time I want to lay it down before Him completely. I want to be wise in the way I conduct myself, in the way I handle any relationship, whether it’s romantic, personal, professional, familial. I feel like I am getting a little of topic from what I originally had on my heart and I guess that’s okay because writing is my therapy, a way to monitor my growth and change and to heal and I really hope that along the way my journey will encourage someone else. So back to what I was originally talking about, geez louise.

I love music, like really a lot. I feel like I have a song for everything. There is this song by Tyrone Wells, “Wondering Where You Are”.

“Will you like to watch the sunrise?
Will you have blue or brown eyes?
What are the dreams you long to share
I hope you like Stevie Wonder
Are you afraid of thunder?
I close my eyes and say a prayer you’re out there somewhere.”

 

I feel like this song goes along with the vision, that sounds so weird, but that’s what it was…and it got me thinking, what he’s going to be like? It’s funny how your priorities change as an adult. When I was a teenager dreaming about my husband I wanted him to be Nick Carter or Leonardo DiCaprio. Let’s be real though if Leonardo DiCaprio knocked on my door I would let him take me to dinner, just saying. Now I think about things like, will he be kind and hilarious? Will he be responsible and trustworthy? Will he be gracious and reliable? Will he treat others with respect? Will he be tall? Haha. I have seen so much of God’s goodness through the trial of the last nine months. I believe that there is someone out there that God has for me. I know that the one nonnegotiable I have is that my future husband whoever he is must love God with every fiber of his being, must live out his faith, must be willing to serve God whole heartedly and the rest will fall into place. I am not naive enough to believe that as long as my partner loves God everything will be okay. Please, that is a pipe dream, if that works for you, awesome!! I am actually genuinely happy for you. I believe that marriage requires work, it requires sacrifice, it requires trust, it requires humility, it requires forgiveness and it requires two people who are equally yoked working together with God as their foundation. At least that is what marriage looks like for me.

As I continue to grow and work on cleaning up my mess I can look back on this vision, this little snapshot of my future I had and smile and trust that God’s timing is perfect and I can enjoy healing, I can enjoy working on who I am and the woman God is growing me to be and I can soak up every second I have with my beautiful baby boy. I can be content in my singlehood, singleness whatever you call it and trust God has a plan and a man (hahaha, that is really cracking me up because it rhymes and I have the sense of humor of a 5-year-old, maybe that’s why I am good at teaching Pre-K) for me. Thank you for reading my little blurbs and for encouraging me along this journey I have been on.

the messiest girl,

Elisha

 

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Everything has changed.

When you are young you have an idea of how your life is going to go. You have your hopes and dreams laid out in front of you. They are big and bright and achievable and there is no doubt in your young mind that they are going to happen, they might as well be true because you have that much faith in your future.

The first time I realized I was wrong was 2 days before my 21st birthday. It was 2005 and my favorite “band” had come back for a reunion tour. One of my best girlfriends and I drove to Dallas for the concert, a 5 hour drive from Lubbock, TX and we were EXCITED. I had obsessively loved the Backstreet Boys since I was 14 years old, so much so one of my punishments growing up was tearing down my BSB posters off the wall( as an adult this is a hysterically creative punishment and still one of my favorite stories, props to my mom). This would be my 3rd time seeing them in concert and being the truly naive almost 21-year-old I was, I had it buried deep in my heart that when Nick Carter and I met, he would actually fall in love with me at first sight and it would be all fairy tales and roses.  I know that sounds ridiculous but I am telling you I was dreaming BIG. So we got to the show and I made this sign, decked out in glitter ( if you know me it has to sparkle) saying “Nick,  kiss me it’s my 21st birthday”, in case you are wondering this did not happen.

When we got out of the car Nick was playing basketball behind the fenced in area and AJ was signing autographs so naturally we ran to the fence with the other swarms of girls and stared and waited and ogled. I must have taken a BAJILLION photos of Nick playing basketball, I won’t even go in to how weird that must be to be a human and be on display like a zoo animal. I guess it comes with the territory. We stood out there for what seemed like hours and finally it was time for the show to start as Nick and AJ were called inside I remember feeling almost panicky that I wasn’t going to get my chance to “meet” my future husband. So I yelled at Nick in a desperate attempt as he was walking by, “NICK IT’S MY 21st BIRTHDAY.” To my complete and utter shock he started walking towards me. I promptly hung up on my mom and stared dumbfounded knowing this is the moment my life would begin. He looked at me as girls screamed and shoved their c.d.s in his face to sign and he said, ” I am only taking a picture with her because it’s her birthday.” THIS WAS IT, he singled me out and we were in love. I was ecstatic and just like that it was over, he left and I was shaking from excitement. I don’t know what I said if I said anything…and the moment passed and I stood there like, wait a minute this was NOT how this was supposed to go, there were suppose to be sparks and he was supposed to sweep me away to get to know me and we were going to be in love. Nope. Didn’t happen. That dream I had of marrying a Backstreet Boy was gone, but I still had hope.

Six years later in February of 2011 I got married in Maui, HI. I put this man on a pedestal, he could do no wrong, his thoughts were my thoughts, his opinions were mine and he was my beginning and ending. Our relationship was fast and furious, we met online in October of 2009, were officially dating in January of 2010, engaged in September of 2010 and married in February of 2011. I was enamored and completely taken by him, he was charming and witty and crazy intelligent and I was madly, deeply, head over heels in love with him. He was my Price Charming. My fairytale had come true and to top it all off we got married on the beach he proposed to me on. R.O.M.A.N.T.I.C. When I said my vows and promised to love him through sickness and health, til death do us part. I meant it. Since I was a little girl I wanted so badly to be a wife and a mother, I wanted it desperately. The BIG dreams I had for myself as a little girl were coming true.

Present day, the illusion once again was shattered this time it is paralyzing and I sit here now typing this while my almost 3 month old son is sleeping and wondering how my fairytale crumbled. I never wanted to be a single mom. I watched my mom do it like Wonder Woman my ENTIRE life but I never ever wanted that. I wanted a doting husband, a house with a white picket fence, dogs running in the yard chasing the sprinklers and the laughter of as many children as I could have (I was hoping for 5)  laughing and playing and growing. That was my vision. That was my dream. Yet here I sit, in my mom’s bedroom that she is graciously letting us stay in until I get things figured out and I try desperately to come to terms with my new reality and grieve the dreams I had and the marriage I lost. There are moments where the grief is so thick and so heavy I feel like I am suffocating. How do I come to terms with this new normal? Are the dreams I had as a child still attainable? I almost feel like Hester Prynne but instead of her scarlet “A”, I have a scarlet “D” looming over my head. It is crippling. I am mourning. I am trying to rebuild and yet I am stuck in quicksand, clawing and climbing desperatly trying to make it out. Every attempt to break free is forcing me deeper into the sand.

As heartbreaking as my new reality is, as I struggle to make sense of what happened, I have hope. Hope: 1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. Synonyms: aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design 2. a feeling of trust.”This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.” – Hebrews 6:19 

I trust that God is big enough to handle the MESS, the yuck, the trauma, the heartbreak, the trial. As I fight the urge to fight and flail out of the quicksand, I am reminded that I need only to be still and wait for God’s hand to reach down and pull me out. ” The LORD will fight for you, you need only to be still. ” – Exodus 14:14

Giving God my mess,

Elisha ❤