My future husband.

I was listening to the song “Jealous” by Nick Jonas a few months ago, don’t judge, I am a pop princess, love pop music, always have, always will but I digress…

As I was saying, I was listening to the song a few months ago and I had this flash in my head, it was so vivid, it felt like a memory, except it hadn’t happened yet. I was in the kitchen, gorgeous open floor plan if you’re wondering and Jameson was a toddler, not quite sure what age and my future husband had a spatula in his hand and he was singing the lyrics of the song to me. Jameson was dancing in the background singing along as well. In this flash I couldn’t see his face, only that he was tall (haha) and he was being a total goofball dancing around our kitchen singing, you could see in his eyes the deep love he had for me. That was it, it didn’t really go much further than that and the vision was over. I don’t know that I’ve ever really had something like that happen. It made me so happy, it wasn’t real, it hadn’t happened and yet it felt like a promise of what’s to come in the future.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who, what, when of my future…I have always wanted to be a wife and a mom. Some people might think that’s stupid but I don’t really care. It’s what I wanted and desired and I think about what’s to come often. I am trying really hard to practice patience, that’s a funny thought. I am attempting to learn to be content in all circumstances, super difficult, however I feel like it is building character in me and for that I am appreciative. I have been praying for my future spouse, that God is building character in him and protecting him and guiding and leading him and drawing him in to a closer relationship with him. It’s a strange thing to be doing that when you are recovering from a marriage that exploded in your face. Very strange. It’s just I look back and think about before I met Michael and I never prayed for him, I never asked God what He wanted in my spouse. I never laid that before His feet and this time I want to lay it down before Him completely. I want to be wise in the way I conduct myself, in the way I handle any relationship, whether it’s romantic, personal, professional, familial. I feel like I am getting a little of topic from what I originally had on my heart and I guess that’s okay because writing is my therapy, a way to monitor my growth and change and to heal and I really hope that along the way my journey will encourage someone else. So back to what I was originally talking about, geez louise.

I love music, like really a lot. I feel like I have a song for everything. There is this song by Tyrone Wells, “Wondering Where You Are”.

“Will you like to watch the sunrise?
Will you have blue or brown eyes?
What are the dreams you long to share
I hope you like Stevie Wonder
Are you afraid of thunder?
I close my eyes and say a prayer you’re out there somewhere.”

 

I feel like this song goes along with the vision, that sounds so weird, but that’s what it was…and it got me thinking, what he’s going to be like? It’s funny how your priorities change as an adult. When I was a teenager dreaming about my husband I wanted him to be Nick Carter or Leonardo DiCaprio. Let’s be real though if Leonardo DiCaprio knocked on my door I would let him take me to dinner, just saying. Now I think about things like, will he be kind and hilarious? Will he be responsible and trustworthy? Will he be gracious and reliable? Will he treat others with respect? Will he be tall? Haha. I have seen so much of God’s goodness through the trial of the last nine months. I believe that there is someone out there that God has for me. I know that the one nonnegotiable I have is that my future husband whoever he is must love God with every fiber of his being, must live out his faith, must be willing to serve God whole heartedly and the rest will fall into place. I am not naive enough to believe that as long as my partner loves God everything will be okay. Please, that is a pipe dream, if that works for you, awesome!! I am actually genuinely happy for you. I believe that marriage requires work, it requires sacrifice, it requires trust, it requires humility, it requires forgiveness and it requires two people who are equally yoked working together with God as their foundation. At least that is what marriage looks like for me.

As I continue to grow and work on cleaning up my mess I can look back on this vision, this little snapshot of my future I had and smile and trust that God’s timing is perfect and I can enjoy healing, I can enjoy working on who I am and the woman God is growing me to be and I can soak up every second I have with my beautiful baby boy. I can be content in my singlehood, singleness whatever you call it and trust God has a plan and a man (hahaha, that is really cracking me up because it rhymes and I have the sense of humor of a 5-year-old, maybe that’s why I am good at teaching Pre-K) for me. Thank you for reading my little blurbs and for encouraging me along this journey I have been on.

the messiest girl,

Elisha

 

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Comparison is the thief of joy.

For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with comparison, its become more and more pronounced as the social media movement has become more popular. It has reached its peak tonight. Theodore Roosevelt’s words have been on repeat in my head for the last 30 minutes.

Comparison is the thief of joy. 

I was on Facebook tonight and I kept seeing pictures of “happy couples” with their beautiful children and I found myself thinking, “Will I get to have that again?” and feeling the anger rise up in my heart over what has happened to Jameson and I, it doesn’t help that I saw his father for the first time in 6 months this week which was undoubtedly a trigger for me and my thinking spiraled. “God I did everything right! Everything.” Well not everything, let’s just nip that thinking in the bud right now, that’s the phrase isn’t it? Nip that in the bud. Such a weird phrase. I need to stop that thinking dead in its tracks. Back to my original point, I felt the longing and desire rise up in me, for a happy, healthy, kind marriage, for a doting, loving husband who adores my son they way he deserves. I want all the babies, I have such a deep desire for this and I was scrolling through all these happy families and I felt deflated, sad and the heartbreak welled up all over again. I am having a hard time moving forward when I keep looking to everyone else’s joy instead of focusing on the blessings God has given me right now. Did you know that the new Apple update gives you a screen time update. I am actually mortified, ashamed and totally embarrassed by how much time I’ve spent on my phone. It’s actually ridiculous.

As a result of these two “ah-ha” moments for me I’ve decided I need a Facebook break. I need a phone break and I need to focus really hard on being present. I have been given such a tremendous gift in the face of the grief I am working through and that is having a job where Jameson gets to be with me all the time. I need to focus on the blessings God has poured out on me. I have been stuck, not moving forward just coping in my sadness, existing. Letting the waves of worthless, sadness, bitterness and anger wash over me while slowly pulling me under, drowning in the weight of all of this. I have to address each one of these and actually do the hard work of examining who, what, why, where, when, how…diving in and digging out all the yuck and not staying trapped in the remnants of an abusive, toxic marriage. I need to allow God to reach in and touch and heal all those places I’ve been hiding from by using my coping mechanisms to just keep moving forward. So I am signing off for a while.

I want to make it my mission to live out what Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11-13, “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” 

I don’t want to live receiving my worth and value from how many likes I get on a picture of what is obviously the cutest baby in the world, what it’s true! I am not even a little bit partial, haha. I’ve spent so much time the last 8 months looking at other’s lives and longing for what they have instead of picking up the pieces of the wreckage that was mine and rebuilding it. I am going to give myself grace and recognize that I have made huge strides toward healing and joy and strength,  however I need to take those next steps forward and start doing the hard stuff. I feel like it has been surface level healing these last 8 months, a lot of learning and trying to understand what the heck happened, a  lot of baby snuggles and watching my beautiful boy grow and learn, that has all been  important and crucial but now I feel like it’s time for heart surgery.

I don’t know how long I am going to be “gone” but I am committed to healing and truly allowing God to have every single piece of my mess, every hard thing, every hurt, all of it. It’s His and I know and trust that God will bring beauty from the ashes. He will restore what has been destroyed. I have every confidence.

Signing off,

Elisha

Do-Overs

I wrote this post a little over a year ago and I forgot to publish it. I also forgot how much I loved to write and how therapeutic I find it. Anyways here it is…

“Does anyone else get their best ideas in the shower?!?! Cause I feel like I do and I never take the time to reflect on my thoughts when I am in the shower because I get out and then start to get ready and then I forget. Well even though I am pressed for time and really need to get ready I have to write this down. I started thinking about what I would do over in my life if I could, one of the first things that came to mind was my childhood/teenage love. I mean he was seriously the love of my life, at 12 and if I am honest throughout high school and into college a little bit. I LOVED him with an undying, passionate, 12 year old emotions raging love, that carried on into a high school emotions raging love. It was ridiculous and adorable, borderline creepy, obsessive, innocent love. It consumed me. I mean I got in fights with my best friend over him. He was “mine” because duh, I saw him first and I had dibs. That is how it works right 😉 Well that’s how it worked when you were 12. We had nicknames for him, my favorite was Harry Hotpants, because one time we went to Great Skate and he was there and I tricked my mom into believing that it was just girls, i.e. I failed to let her know that he was going to be there, so I lied. And he was in JNCO’s, do you guys remember JNCO’s, ridiculous and horrible and GINAROMOUS, but we thought he was the sexiest thing we had ever seen and we didn’t even really know what sexy meant, haha, nonetheless the name Harry Hotpants was born. My mom found out that I lied and I got in trouble but y’all that time it was worth it, in my teenage mind because I saw him outside of school even though I was a little heartbroken because we didnt couple skate. Anyways my days at school from the age of 12-17 revolved around him. We sent notes about who talked to him and if he hugged us and what not, it was ridiculous but it was high school and I loved him.

Then the most devastating thing that could happen to a teenager  happened. I moved my senior year of high school from Arizona to Iowa. I was heartbroken but we kept in touch during my senior year. I got a letter from him and he told me that he loved me and wanted to marry someone just like me one day and all these beautiful things that I  been waiting to hear since I was 12, 5 years people , 5 long years and then I had it in my hands and it was one of the most beautiful letters anyone has ever written me. So naturally I had to send it to my best friend. So she could see it in person. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know why I didn’t just read it to her over the phone. Anyway I sent it but I sent it to the wrong address and I never got it back. I was crushed. It took me 6 months to respond to him because I was scared and stupid. So as I was in the shower I was thinking if I had a do-over. I would a) never have sent the letter and I would have kept it because it was such a precious peice of my adolscence and b)  I would have wrote him back and told him how much I loved him too and how he made every day brighter for me and how my thoughts were consumed with him, he gave me something to look forward  too.  That he was a good person and strong and smart and funny and beautiful and he deserved all the good things in the world and that he had become one of my very best friends in the world and that I was honored to know him and that I believed he could do anything and be anything. I was thinking that because it feels incredible to know that one other person loves you with everything that’s inside them. Especially when you are in highschool and there is  so much uncertainity and insecurity , its  amaing to know someone has your back and that they are in your corner and that they love you. And believe in you. Because I think he needed to hear that, especially when he was in highschool. He made my life better,  he made me better and I knew what love was because of him. I am so grateful. I think of him and I still smile and my heart lights up and I wanted him to know just how much he meant to me. I don’t know if it would have changed the outcome of my life now but it would have been good for him to know just how much he was loved.”