Easy Prey.

I have a tendency to isolate when I am struggling. I disconnect with social media, I stop talking with friends and I just try to cope the best way I know how. I wake up and take care of my son and try to breathe through the elephant of anxiety on my chest, focusing on gasping for air so I don’t collapse in on myself. I was talking with a friend the other night about learning to hear God’s voice, she shared with me James 1:5, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” I continued reading on and it said, “ But when you ask him, be sure that your faith IS IN GOD ALONE. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as UNSETTLED AS A WAVE of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.”-James 1:6-7 I was so convicted by that scripture. I threw my phone. 

It struck me so deeply that I haven’t been fully loyal to God. I have been relying solely on myself and my coping mechanisms to crawl through the seeming black hole of 2020. It confirmed what I’ve been learning through the last sermon series at church, it was on idolatry and how its something we struggle with as a society now. It’s not an archaic Bible story to illustrate just how disillusioned God’s people were. It’s for now and it’s for me. I forgot just how big God is and how insanely sneaky satan is. He is a roaring lion seeking to destroy his prey. How does a lion go in for the kill? He looks for the weak and wounded. Oh hi. I’m Elisha bleeding out over here. Desperately wanting to cry out for help but not wanting to inconvenience anyone. Also dealing with the father of lies screaming in my ear, “It’s been almost 3 years Elisha, you should be okay, people are going to judge you for for still hurting and struggling with your life not looking like you imagined.” So I sit alone attempting to cover up the bleed out with a Mickey Mouse band-aid and he attacks and I listen because I’ve allowed myself to become easy prey. 

I then remember one powerful truth. I AM NOT ALONE. All I need to do is cry out to my Healer. I need to reach out to the community God has given me and be vulnerable and ask for prayers and encouragement, I need to remember there is strength in vulnerability. So here I am exhausted and feeling insecure and terribly vulnerable. I am feeling overwhelmed being both mommy and daddy and feeling as though I am failing my son. (another lie I recognize this, its just an overwhelming feeling that some times hits me) I am living in the tension of not knowing if I’m losing my job.The weight of all of this while continuing to seek healing and be a good mother, daughter, sister and friend is feeling like a load a little too heavy to bear on my own. So please friends I could use some prayers and encouragement.

Feeling so exposed with all the mess,

Elisha

I wrote this maybe a month ago and after I poured it all out of my chest onto this “paper”, I didn’t post it. Once it was out of my head and heart, I could breathe a little easier, sometimes I need to write just for me and not to share it with the “world”, oh hey internet. I took the picture sitting on my couch feeling everything in my brain about to implode,I had just gotten out of the shower and cried and felt the weight of every single worry.I wanted a picture that screamed this is reality, not my bubbly wide open mouth goofy happy face pictures I typically post, when I am actually posting on social media. I wanted a “hey, hi, I can’t breathe over here because living in the middle of a global pandemic is super hard and I am DROWNING” kind of snapshot.

It’s a few weeks later and everything I wrote is still true; some new added stressors have come up as well because 2020. Am I right? I mean life, is 2020 a curse word yet? It should be, have y’all seen the meme? It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Anyways, new stressors, I had a tumor removed from my foot last week, super weird and super rare. I found out I am in fact losing my job right before Thanksgiving and I have another surgery in a week and a half. I also thought I was going to have to put my dog down (thank goodness he’s fine now), starting to sound like a country song right? However my mentality has shifted and it doesn’t feel as scary or overwhelming as I continue to walk out my healing and cling to God’s hand. The reason I decided to post this is a) I haven’t written in a really long time which tends to be my M.O., working on that. b) I need the encouragement/prayers and c) I want others to be encouraged. What we are navigating with everything happening right now with Covid, the election, life in general, can be really challenging and really overwhelming. Please know that you are not alone, you don’t have to struggle in silence. It’s so much easier when you use that beautiful voice God gave you and ask for help. ( I am very much preaching to myself here.) I feel like I had so many more to say but it’s late and my child has taken to getting out of his bed and in to mine in the middle of the night and then promptly kicking me, sometimes in the face, all night long. So I am signing off for the night. Thank you for walking with me friends.

Messy me,

Elisha

divorce god grief growth healing life love motherhood parenthood trust Uncategorized

Elisha Lovejoy View All →

I am in the process of figuring out who I am all over again. For now I know these things about myself and I am sure as I continue on my journey of healing and self awareness I will learn more about who I am growing to be. I am a single mother to the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. I have a wonderful family of strong determined women who have poured into me and built strength and courage that I didn’t know I possessed. I love to travel and explore and discover new places. Pink is my favorite color, unashamedly, pink and sparkles. I am strong, stronger than I give myself credit for. I want to love on women and encourage and support them. I am who I am by the grace of God, He has blessed me abundantly and far more than I deserve.

4 Comments Leave a comment

  1. I love you friend! Your writing is beautiful and your heart so vulnerable thank you fur trusting us with all of it!!
    I am ALWAYS here to listen!

    Love,
    A friend that REALLY understands.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Elisha, thank you for sharing your heart!!! My prayers are with you! Don’t feel bad, we all have these emotions at times. Remember social media is just that “social media”. Of course no one is going to post about everything that’s going on in their lives. They only want you to “see” or “perceive” that this is their “happy” life. When in fact, they are also dealing with issues in their lives. Comparison can definitely be a joy stealer if we allow it and we wonder to God, “where are you in my life”.

    Keep sharing and continue to give yourself grace in your life. You are not on anyone else’s schedule of when you should be healed over past disappointments and hurts.

    Love you!!
    Rhonda

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi love ,
    Thank you for sharing ! You are an amazing women and I truly believe God has you and all of us in his arms!!

    Your writing has hit me!! Healing is something that is done differently with all of us !!
    God bless my friend ,
    Clarice 😘

    Like

  4. Hi Elisha,
    Thank you for your vulnerability and transparency. You encourage so many others to be honest with your authenticity. I want you to know that I am going to be praying LOTS for you. I don’t know what it is like to walk in your shoes, but I do know what it is like to lose a job. When I lived in CT during the 2000’s – I lost 8 jobs in 10 years. I was such a hard worker, but the non-profits I worked at were always falling on financially hard tines. It was incredibly difficult and demoralizing.
    These are 2 bible verses that I really stand on: “ Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah.” Psalm 62:8. God can handle us pouring out our hearts to Him, even verbally throwing up on Him with our anger, grief, anxiety, depression, disappointments, etc. He is our Refuge – our Strong Deliver – the One who hides us under the Shadow of His Wings.

    “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13. Remember the Lord of the Universe – the one who created 80 billion galaxies, is the same God who lives within you in the Person & Power of the Holy Spirit.

    Hugs, love, and prayers!
    Betsy Dobrotka

    PS – let me know if you want to get to together and discuss the Single Mom Ministry at Grace. Sometimes, just getting out, fellowshipping, and encouraging others can do wonders for the soul and spirit.

    Liked by 1 person

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