I have a tendency to isolate when I am struggling. I disconnect with social media, I stop talking with friends and I just try to cope the best way I know how. I wake up and take care of my son and try to breathe through the elephant of anxiety on my chest, focusing on gasping for air so I don’t collapse in on myself. I was talking with a friend the other night about learning to hear God’s voice, she shared with me James 1:5, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” I continued reading on and it said, “ But when you ask him, be sure that your faith IS IN GOD ALONE. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as UNSETTLED AS A WAVE of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.”-James 1:6-7 I was so convicted by that scripture. I threw my phone.
It struck me so deeply that I haven’t been fully loyal to God. I have been relying solely on myself and my coping mechanisms to crawl through the seeming black hole of 2020. It confirmed what I’ve been learning through the last sermon series at church, it was on idolatry and how its something we struggle with as a society now. It’s not an archaic Bible story to illustrate just how disillusioned God’s people were. It’s for now and it’s for me. I forgot just how big God is and how insanely sneaky satan is. He is a roaring lion seeking to destroy his prey. How does a lion go in for the kill? He looks for the weak and wounded. Oh hi. I’m Elisha bleeding out over here. Desperately wanting to cry out for help but not wanting to inconvenience anyone. Also dealing with the father of lies screaming in my ear, “It’s been almost 3 years Elisha, you should be okay, people are going to judge you for for still hurting and struggling with your life not looking like you imagined.” So I sit alone attempting to cover up the bleed out with a Mickey Mouse band-aid and he attacks and I listen because I’ve allowed myself to become easy prey.
I then remember one powerful truth. I AM NOT ALONE. All I need to do is cry out to my Healer. I need to reach out to the community God has given me and be vulnerable and ask for prayers and encouragement, I need to remember there is strength in vulnerability. So here I am exhausted and feeling insecure and terribly vulnerable. I am feeling overwhelmed being both mommy and daddy and feeling as though I am failing my son. (another lie I recognize this, its just an overwhelming feeling that some times hits me) I am living in the tension of not knowing if I’m losing my job.The weight of all of this while continuing to seek healing and be a good mother, daughter, sister and friend is feeling like a load a little too heavy to bear on my own. So please friends I could use some prayers and encouragement.
Feeling so exposed with all the mess,
I wrote this maybe a month ago and after I poured it all out of my chest onto this “paper”, I didn’t post it. Once it was out of my head and heart, I could breathe a little easier, sometimes I need to write just for me and not to share it with the “world”, oh hey internet. I took the picture sitting on my couch feeling everything in my brain about to implode,I had just gotten out of the shower and cried and felt the weight of every single worry.I wanted a picture that screamed this is reality, not my bubbly wide open mouth goofy happy face pictures I typically post, when I am actually posting on social media. I wanted a “hey, hi, I can’t breathe over here because living in the middle of a global pandemic is super hard and I am DROWNING” kind of snapshot.
It’s a few weeks later and everything I wrote is still true; some new added stressors have come up as well because 2020. Am I right? I mean life, is 2020 a curse word yet? It should be, have y’all seen the meme? It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Anyways, new stressors, I had a tumor removed from my foot last week, super weird and super rare. I found out I am in fact losing my job right before Thanksgiving and I have another surgery in a week and a half. I also thought I was going to have to put my dog down (thank goodness he’s fine now), starting to sound like a country song right? However my mentality has shifted and it doesn’t feel as scary or overwhelming as I continue to walk out my healing and cling to God’s hand. The reason I decided to post this is a) I haven’t written in a really long time which tends to be my M.O., working on that. b) I need the encouragement/prayers and c) I want others to be encouraged. What we are navigating with everything happening right now with Covid, the election, life in general, can be really challenging and really overwhelming. Please know that you are not alone, you don’t have to struggle in silence. It’s so much easier when you use that beautiful voice God gave you and ask for help. ( I am very much preaching to myself here.) I feel like I had so many more to say but it’s late and my child has taken to getting out of his bed and in to mine in the middle of the night and then promptly kicking me, sometimes in the face, all night long. So I am signing off for the night. Thank you for walking with me friends.
I am in the process of figuring out who I am all over again. For now I know these things about myself and I am sure as I continue on my journey of healing and self awareness I will learn more about who I am growing to be. I am a single mother to the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. I have a wonderful family of strong determined women who have poured into me and built strength and courage that I didn’t know I possessed. I love to travel and explore and discover new places. Pink is my favorite color, unashamedly, pink and sparkles. I am strong, stronger than I give myself credit for. I am who I am by the grace of God, He has blessed me abundantly and far more than I deserve. I have a heart for people and my goal in writing is to encourage them to seek God not only when they have everything cleaned up and figured out but to know and reassure them that they can come to God in the middle of their mess, the broken and their yuck. He is waiting with arms tenderly wide open willing to embrace whatever mess you are in the middle of.