I have struggled with trusting God for as long as I can remember. I’m really trying to pinpoint that actual moment where I stopped having childlike faith. The exact moment where I transitioned from faith in to fear and doubt mode. It could have been after my sexual assault, that seems to make the most logical sense to me. Or it could be a series of events that chipped away at who I was because I wasn’t firmly rooted in who He is. I’m going to have to dive into that. However over the course of the last year and a half, I have slowly and consciously made the choice to trust God even if I don’t feel it. Like I’ve literally prayed those words, it’s something like this, “God I trust you for J and I’s future, just kidding, I actually don’t. I know you know this and I’m just being honest cause you know anyway. So I’m struggling with trusting you and I don’t right now but I want to and I’m trying.” That’s kind of how that conversation goes.
I find sometimes with God it’s so difficult for me to trust because it would be so much easier if I could see Him. If I could hold his actual hand, feel his arms hugging me, cry on his shoulder, whine to Him about my day and watch his facial features as he looks loving and comically at his incredibly dramatic, overly animated daughter. I am so much like Thomas, who needed to feel the holes in Jesus’s hand to actually believe it was him after he was resurrected. I am Peter selling out Jesus because was afraid. I so want and desire to be be bold and courageous like David, slaying giants and dancing in the street, unashamed worshipping the Lord. I want to content and joyful in all situations and circumstances like Paul, knowing that whether I am in chains or free, I am 10000000 percent content and trusting in God’s plans and His purpose. I have the desire to be like these great men of the Bible. But I’m currently Thomas when he doubted God, I am Peter not boldly allowing his faith in Christ to lead him but his fear to paralyze and deny Him. ( and Peter walked with Jesus in the flesh on a daily basis, no judgement though, cause hello, I am these men.) I am Eve thinking God is holding out on me or holding something back from me so I take things in to my own hands only to have it blow up in my face. I am the little girl in the picture above clinging to that teddy bear not realizing that if I just let go and trust, He has so much more than I could have imagined.
Right now I am where I am but I recognize the need and the desire to actively trust, to lay down self and recognize God is in control. To know that I have to take an active part in my relationship with Him; that I can’t sit idly by and let life happen. I need to be engaged daily with my Father, knowing Him, talking to Him…trying to understand who He is. Just like I would in a relationship with someone I can see, touch, experience. I believe that trusting God has to be an active process. I don’t believe it is at all passive, at least for me. It requires me taking action and stepping out in faith. It requires me acknowledging that I have fear and am trying to control particular situations and when I do that I am trusting self over God.
I know this isn’t much in terms of a blog post, I have felt utterly uninspired for quite some time now. My mind has been completely and utterly devoid of creative thought. Well to be more honest with myself, I haven’t given myself the silence to sit and think, to allow myself to create. I have been filling my time with other things because it’s less painful than actually thinking and feeling and acknowledging the weight of the last 6 months. That however is another post, hopefully coming soon. I just have had these thoughts rolling around in my mind about trust and wanted to share. For whoever is reading this I hope you are encouraged. You are not alone in your journey. You are wholly and deeply loved by a God who sees you in the middle of your mess.
Feeling the messiest,
I am in the process of figuring out who I am all over again. For now I know these things about myself and I am sure as I continue on my journey of healing and self awareness I will learn more about who I am growing to be. I am a single mother to the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. I have a wonderful family of strong determined women who have poured into me and built strength and courage that I didn’t know I possessed. I love to travel and explore and discover new places. Pink is my favorite color, unashamedly, pink and sparkles. I am strong, stronger than I give myself credit for. I want to love on women and encourage and support them. I am who I am by the grace of God, He has blessed me abundantly and far more than I deserve.