I had the most random thought yesterday…well not so much thought, memory really. Remember when Twilight was all the craze? I do and I totally drank the Kool-Aid. Like hardcore drank it.
I was laying over in LA. It was 2008ish, I think, I was leaving to go to the beach there were tons of women EVERYWHERE and I had to know what was going on. So curiosity got the best of me and I asked one of the women what was happening, there was a Twilight convention at my hotel and they were FREAKING out because they got to see Kellen Lutz. ( one of the Cullen brothers, not even going to lie, can’t remember which one and I am too lazy to search and see who he played but he looks like he could have been a greek god, no joke.) I decided I wanted to meet Kellen Lutz, why not right? So I got in line and paid the fee, I didn’t care this man was beautiful. When I got in the room to take the picture with him women were seriously fan girling, I mean how could you not, he was tall, super muscular without being gross and every bit as gorgeous in person as he was in the movies. Shockingly I was not losing my marbles as I did when I met Nick Carter. ( I feel like I’ve talked about that before, maybe not, but he was my fantasy husband for the greater part of my childhood.) Anyway, I was cool, calm and collected. Confident if you will, which is never really a word I would have though to describe myself, except when I recalled this memory yesterday. So it was finally my turn and I don’t know what I said to him, only that I hit on him and proceeded to ask him out.
I know right?!?! Like I legitimately asked this guy out, actually thinking I had a shot, completely confident and he was incredibly kind and gracious saying he would love to meet me later. In hindsight, I am sure that he was just being kind and trying to spare my feelings instead of flat out saying, “Umm no.” He never showed up, which is of course fine. I was a little stung but I went about flying and gallivanting around the world living my best life.
All of this to say, I asked out a celebrity and really actually thought I had a shot, sitting here writing this makes me laugh out loud. It kind of blows my mind that I had that much confidence in myself.
As I sit here in my bed with the constant white noise of the rain from my son’s baby monitor in the background, I say to that girl that I used to be, thank you, thank you for reminding me that I believed in myself. Thank you for reminding me that I was worth something of value, that I had confidence in who God created me to be. Thank you for being bold and forward and daring to believe and dream big things for yourself.
And now to the woman I’ve been for the last ten years, the woman who felt dried up, depleted, empty and void…that girl is still in you, that girl who asked out celebrities and thought she had a chance. That girl who was loud and goofy and silly, she’s still in there. The girl who was vulnerable and TRUSTED people whole heartedly, she is in you. That girl who had everything good in her stripped away. She’s there, she’s you.
And to the woman who is starting to re-emerge, you are strong and you are capable. You are growing and changing and evolving. You are stepping in to exactly who God has created you to be. You are brave and you have a voice. God calls you worthy. God calls you enough. God calls you more precious than rubies.
God says you can, “trust in Him with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) God is walking alongside you, your biggest champion and He will never walk away. He is always delighting in you and you are NOT WALKING ALONE. He has given you an incredible community and He knows the plans he has for you, plans for hope and a future. ( Jeremiah 29:11) You can trust Him and His promises. You can continue to shed the last ten years and use your story to share God’s grace and goodness to bless other’s walking through similar storms and you can without a doubt choose to never ever let someone else dim the light placed in you by your Father. You can be that girl from before, confident and goofy and vulnerable and have peace knowing you are walking authentically and confidently in who God says you are and you can take the lessons you’ve learned over the last ten years and allow it to be part of the story God has woven in the tapestry of your life and be proud of who you’ve become, don’t wear your story, as a broken, battered, beat down victim. Wear it walking in victory, knowing whose you are and that God has infused in your strength to overcome and testify to the goodness and kindness of who God is and who have become.
Growing and embracing my mess,
I am in the process of figuring out who I am all over again. For now I know these things about myself and I am sure as I continue on my journey of healing and self awareness I will learn more about who I am growing to be. I am a single mother to the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. I have a wonderful family of strong determined women who have poured into me and built strength and courage that I didn’t know I possessed. I love to travel and explore and discover new places. Pink is my favorite color, unashamedly, pink and sparkles. I am strong, stronger than I give myself credit for. I am who I am by the grace of God, He has blessed me abundantly and far more than I deserve. I have a heart for people and my goal in writing is to encourage them to seek God not only when they have everything cleaned up and figured out but to know and reassure them that they can come to God in the middle of their mess, the broken and their yuck. He is waiting with arms tenderly wide open willing to embrace whatever mess you are in the middle of.