Okay so this is going to be a really weird post so bear with me. I have been binge watching Grey’s Anatomy (that’s how I medicate, binge watching tv, but that’s another post for another time) for the last few months. I am FINALLY on Season 12, if you haven’t watch STOP HERE because SPOILER ALERT. After Derek Sheppard was killed off the show, I stopped watching it. I was so mad that they killed off his character because HELLO Meredith and Derek were meant to be together and they had overcome SO much. Meredith drowning, Meredith and a bomb, Derek getting shot, PLANE crash, Addison. All of it. Did you know they even had their own theme song that would play whenever they had a scene together. That is the beauty of Netflix when you binge watch a show, you notice things you hadn’t before. I saw the episode once before and when I watched it this time I knew it was coming but this postpartum Mama still cried but this time for different reasons. I cried because (NOW BEAR with me, I know this is a show and not real life) they had overcome obstacle after obstacle and still continued to fight for their marriage and children and then he was gone, he died. I was crying because I felt like I had to grieve the illusion of my marriage and my false perception of who my husband was. I grieved because I didn’t have a husband who loved me like that, who wanted to fight and overcome and love me fiercely and desire me deeply and have fun and a whole number of other things but again I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole. After I got over my own emotions, I was wondering where Shonda Rhimes was going to take the series after a decade of the focus being Meredith and Derek. Then I started watching the episodes after Derek was gone and Meredith said this line,
“No matter how dark it gets the sun is going to rise again.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about that and as I continued to watch, the characters lives moved on and the show was still awesome. Derek’s character was such an INTEGRAL part of the show and yet it still went on. I find myself enjoying the show just as much, if not more than I did before. The show is coming up on its 15th season and is still thriving. Then I got to thinking (and I know this whole blog post is kind of cheesy but that’s me and I am tired of pretending to be ANYONE OTHER THAN WHO I AM) I am going to be OKAY!!! I am going to be more than okay. My life is going to go on and I trust that God is guiding me. I trust that I will love again, beyond anything I could dream up or imagine. God has a plan for me. I believe that the broken pieces of my heart will be healed and repaired by the Great Physician I call my Father. I believe that the years of pain and hurt buried deep in my soul will be carved out and repaired and I will thrive. I believe that my husband leaving is the platform to launch me into who God has destined me to be. I believe that through adversity, through refining I am becoming the woman who I have always wanted to be. “No matter how dark it gets the sun is going to rise again.” I will wake up one day and the bleeding wound I have will be a faded scar; reminding me of a place I never want to go again, reminding me I will never let anyone dim my light again, reminding me of the strength and endurance God has given me, reminding me I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and reminding me that God’s will for my life is far better than anything I could have ever dreamed up. I am going to be okay. Life is going to go on and I will thrive.
Living in my mess and allowing God to clean it up,
I am in the process of figuring out who I am all over again. For now I know these things about myself and I am sure as I continue on my journey of healing and self awareness I will learn more about who I am growing to be. I am a single mother to the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. I have a wonderful family of strong determined women who have poured into me and built strength and courage that I didn’t know I possessed. I love to travel and explore and discover new places. Pink is my favorite color, unashamedly, pink and sparkles. I am strong, stronger than I give myself credit for. I am who I am by the grace of God, He has blessed me abundantly and far more than I deserve. I have a heart for people and my goal in writing is to encourage them to seek God not only when they have everything cleaned up and figured out but to know and reassure them that they can come to God in the middle of their mess, the broken and their yuck. He is waiting with arms tenderly wide open willing to embrace whatever mess you are in the middle of.