When you are young you have an idea of how your life is going to go. You have your hopes and dreams laid out in front of you. They are big and bright and achievable and there is no doubt in your young mind that they are going to happen, they might as well be true because you have that much faith in your future.
The first time I realized I was wrong was 2 days before my 21st birthday. It was 2005 and my favorite “band” had come back for a reunion tour. One of my best girlfriends and I drove to Dallas for the concert, a 5 hour drive from Lubbock, TX and we were EXCITED. I had obsessively loved the Backstreet Boys since I was 14 years old, so much so one of my punishments growing up was tearing down my BSB posters off the wall( as an adult this is a hysterically creative punishment and still one of my favorite stories, props to my mom). This would be my 3rd time seeing them in concert and being the truly naive almost 21-year-old I was, I had it buried deep in my heart that when Nick Carter and I met, he would actually fall in love with me at first sight and it would be all fairy tales and roses. I know that sounds ridiculous but I am telling you I was dreaming BIG. So we got to the show and I made this sign, decked out in glitter ( if you know me it has to sparkle) saying “Nick, kiss me it’s my 21st birthday”, in case you are wondering this did not happen.
When we got out of the car Nick was playing basketball behind the fenced in area and AJ was signing autographs so naturally we ran to the fence with the other swarms of girls and stared and waited and ogled. I must have taken a BAJILLION photos of Nick playing basketball, I won’t even go in to how weird that must be to be a human and be on display like a zoo animal. I guess it comes with the territory. We stood out there for what seemed like hours and finally it was time for the show to start as Nick and AJ were called inside I remember feeling almost panicky that I wasn’t going to get my chance to “meet” my future husband. So I yelled at Nick in a desperate attempt as he was walking by, “NICK IT’S MY 21st BIRTHDAY.” To my complete and utter shock he started walking towards me. I promptly hung up on my mom and stared dumbfounded knowing this is the moment my life would begin. He looked at me as girls screamed and shoved their c.d.s in his face to sign and he said, ” I am only taking a picture with her because it’s her birthday.” THIS WAS IT, he singled me out and we were in love. I was ecstatic and just like that it was over, he left and I was shaking from excitement. I don’t know what I said if I said anything…and the moment passed and I stood there like, wait a minute this was NOT how this was supposed to go, there were suppose to be sparks and he was supposed to sweep me away to get to know me and we were going to be in love. Nope. Didn’t happen. That dream I had of marrying a Backstreet Boy was gone, but I still had hope.
Six years later in February of 2011 I got married in Maui, HI. I put this man on a pedestal, he could do no wrong, his thoughts were my thoughts, his opinions were mine and he was my beginning and ending. Our relationship was fast and furious, we met online in October of 2009, were officially dating in January of 2010, engaged in September of 2010 and married in February of 2011. I was enamored and completely taken by him, he was charming and witty and crazy intelligent and I was madly, deeply, head over heels in love with him. He was my Price Charming. My fairytale had come true and to top it all off we got married on the beach he proposed to me on. R.O.M.A.N.T.I.C. When I said my vows and promised to love him through sickness and health, til death do us part. I meant it. Since I was a little girl I wanted so badly to be a wife and a mother, I wanted it desperately. The BIG dreams I had for myself as a little girl were coming true.
Present day, the illusion once again was shattered this time it is paralyzing and I sit here now typing this while my almost 3 month old son is sleeping and wondering how my fairytale crumbled. I never wanted to be a single mom. I watched my mom do it like Wonder Woman my ENTIRE life but I never ever wanted that. I wanted a doting husband, a house with a white picket fence, dogs running in the yard chasing the sprinklers and the laughter of as many children as I could have (I was hoping for 5) laughing and playing and growing. That was my vision. That was my dream. Yet here I sit, in my mom’s bedroom that she is graciously letting us stay in until I get things figured out and I try desperately to come to terms with my new reality and grieve the dreams I had and the marriage I lost. There are moments where the grief is so thick and so heavy I feel like I am suffocating. How do I come to terms with this new normal? Are the dreams I had as a child still attainable? I almost feel like Hester Prynne but instead of her scarlet “A”, I have a scarlet “D” looming over my head. It is crippling. I am mourning. I am trying to rebuild and yet I am stuck in quicksand, clawing and climbing desperatly trying to make it out. Every attempt to break free is forcing me deeper into the sand.
As heartbreaking as my new reality is, as I struggle to make sense of what happened, I have hope. Hope: 1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. Synonyms: aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design 2. a feeling of trust.”This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.” – Hebrews 6:19
I trust that God is big enough to handle the MESS, the yuck, the trauma, the heartbreak, the trial. As I fight the urge to fight and flail out of the quicksand, I am reminded that I need only to be still and wait for God’s hand to reach down and pull me out. ” The LORD will fight for you, you need only to be still. ” – Exodus 14:14
Giving God my mess,
I am in the process of figuring out who I am all over again. For now I know these things about myself and I am sure as I continue on my journey of healing and self awareness I will learn more about who I am growing to be. I am a single mother to the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. I have a wonderful family of strong determined women who have poured into me and built strength and courage that I didn’t know I possessed. I love to travel and explore and discover new places. Pink is my favorite color, unashamedly, pink and sparkles. I am strong, stronger than I give myself credit for. I am who I am by the grace of God, He has blessed me abundantly and far more than I deserve. I have a heart for people and my goal in writing is to encourage them to seek God not only when they have everything cleaned up and figured out but to know and reassure them that they can come to God in the middle of their mess, the broken and their yuck. He is waiting with arms tenderly wide open willing to embrace whatever mess you are in the middle of.