I wrote this post a little over a year ago and I forgot to publish it. I also forgot how much I loved to write and how therapeutic I find it. Anyways here it is…
“Does anyone else get their best ideas in the shower?!?! Cause I feel like I do and I never take the time to reflect on my thoughts when I am in the shower because I get out and then start to get ready and then I forget. Well even though I am pressed for time and really need to get ready I have to write this down. I started thinking about what I would do over in my life if I could, one of the first things that came to mind was my childhood/teenage love. I mean he was seriously the love of my life, at 12 and if I am honest throughout high school and into college a little bit. I LOVED him with an undying, passionate, 12 year old emotions raging love, that carried on into a high school emotions raging love. It was ridiculous and adorable, borderline creepy, obsessive, innocent love. It consumed me. I mean I got in fights with my best friend over him. He was “mine” because duh, I saw him first and I had dibs. That is how it works right 😉 Well that’s how it worked when you were 12. We had nicknames for him, my favorite was Harry Hotpants, because one time we went to Great Skate and he was there and I tricked my mom into believing that it was just girls, i.e. I failed to let her know that he was going to be there, so I lied. And he was in JNCO’s, do you guys remember JNCO’s, ridiculous and horrible and GINAROMOUS, but we thought he was the sexiest thing we had ever seen and we didn’t even really know what sexy meant, haha, nonetheless the name Harry Hotpants was born. My mom found out that I lied and I got in trouble but y’all that time it was worth it, in my teenage mind because I saw him outside of school even though I was a little heartbroken because we didnt couple skate. Anyways my days at school from the age of 12-17 revolved around him. We sent notes about who talked to him and if he hugged us and what not, it was ridiculous but it was high school and I loved him.
Then the most devastating thing that could happen to a teenager happened. I moved my senior year of high school from Arizona to Iowa. I was heartbroken but we kept in touch during my senior year. I got a letter from him and he told me that he loved me and wanted to marry someone just like me one day and all these beautiful things that I been waiting to hear since I was 12, 5 years people , 5 long years and then I had it in my hands and it was one of the most beautiful letters anyone has ever written me. So naturally I had to send it to my best friend. So she could see it in person. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know why I didn’t just read it to her over the phone. Anyway I sent it but I sent it to the wrong address and I never got it back. I was crushed. It took me 6 months to respond to him because I was scared and stupid. So as I was in the shower I was thinking if I had a do-over. I would a) never have sent the letter and I would have kept it because it was such a precious peice of my adolscence and b) I would have wrote him back and told him how much I loved him too and how he made every day brighter for me and how my thoughts were consumed with him, he gave me something to look forward too. That he was a good person and strong and smart and funny and beautiful and he deserved all the good things in the world and that he had become one of my very best friends in the world and that I was honored to know him and that I believed he could do anything and be anything. I was thinking that because it feels incredible to know that one other person loves you with everything that’s inside them. Especially when you are in highschool and there is so much uncertainity and insecurity , its amaing to know someone has your back and that they are in your corner and that they love you. And believe in you. Because I think he needed to hear that, especially when he was in highschool. He made my life better, he made me better and I knew what love was because of him. I am so grateful. I think of him and I still smile and my heart lights up and I wanted him to know just how much he meant to me. I don’t know if it would have changed the outcome of my life now but it would have been good for him to know just how much he was loved.”
I am in the process of figuring out who I am all over again. For now I know these things about myself and I am sure as I continue on my journey of healing and self awareness I will learn more about who I am growing to be. I am a single mother to the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. I have a wonderful family of strong determined women who have poured into me and built strength and courage that I didn’t know I possessed. I love to travel and explore and discover new places. Pink is my favorite color, unashamedly, pink and sparkles. I am strong, stronger than I give myself credit for. I am who I am by the grace of God, He has blessed me abundantly and far more than I deserve. I have a heart for people and my goal in writing is to encourage them to seek God not only when they have everything cleaned up and figured out but to know and reassure them that they can come to God in the middle of their mess, the broken and their yuck. He is waiting with arms tenderly wide open willing to embrace whatever mess you are in the middle of.